*This post originally appeared on my wordpress blog.
Recently I've realised that I'm just going through the motions day by day, constantly saying to myself "just make it to tomorrow" and then repeating it x amount of times. It's almost like I'm not even living, just surviving and striving to make it to the next day as if something will suddenly change and set me on a new path.
Me. It's me I'm waiting for.
I've heard 1000 times over that the only person standing in the way of you is you and other sayings about getting out of your head. But as I type this I'm finally starting to realise that I am the reason I'm not where I want to be. I am standing in my way. I know I'm a textbook case of mental BFFs Depression and Anxiety but I almost feel as though thats been my excuse this whole time. "I'll start counselling again next week and then things will get better" I never go and things remain the same. "I'm gonna go to the GP next week and talk about treatment" I never make an appointment and stay at the red light planted by my mind. Enough. It's time for me to actually get up and make a change and save myself before...before...too much time has passed and I'm still on my own, still blaming my demons but not actually battling them.
I know that I can do it. I know I can. I have to. I will. God help me I will do this.
I pray all the time but never really seem to focus on anything in particular. Praying for my family, the world, my vague future. I need to be specific. I need to realise and fall in love with my dreams again. I need to pray with faith knowing what it is I want and being secure in the fact that things will come into fruition even if I don't know what I want. Knowing God will see me through but also knowing I can see this through.
It starts now. It starts with me. With me taking back control of my life again. With me knowing that I am capable to do what I love and more. It starts with this post.
Hi, my name is Natalie and I'm constantly searching. Constantly searching for new places to explore, for new sources of inspiration for songs and art and poems and posts, for a new favourite bible quote (it's Proverbs 31:25 right now btw), for new ways to love myself whether its a new outfit or item of makeup or a new favourite restaurant or exhibit, for a new way to live my life. It's 00:17 as I'm wrapping up and I'm looking back over all the previous times I told myself to start anew and I know this time is different. It's 00:53.
I hope you'll follow me on this journey and if anyone out there is constantly searching too, say hey.
Always, Natalie x
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