I'm Constantly Searching.
Searching for inspiration so that I too can create art that will breathe its own life.
Searching for new places to explore so that I can feel a sense of belonging.
Searching for new companions so that I can become part of something bigger than myself.
I've been searching for so long that I've forgotten to pause, to appreciate, to marvel at the experiences I've already had. Instead of looking inwards and finding fulfilment in myself, I've been venturing out and seeking acceptance in monuments that could never say my name, in photos that show everything but the pain I have been holding in for so long.
When I came up with the name Constantly Searching I felt that it was a cute, clever way to showcase that I'm always on the hunt for something new and exciting, that I would always have something to share. But I've come to realise that I was just searching for something, anything to fill the ache inside.
I've felt like a fraud for so long, I couldn't bring myself to write anything, I was so scared that people would be able to see through the facade I was putting up. I was scared that I wasn't good enough, that I'd lost one of the only things I ever felt good at. Writing in all forms became a chore, something I began to dread. I took a break from creating, from caring, from myself.
It has taken a lot of therapy, a lot of praying, trying and failing and trying again to readjust my mindset, but I'm starting to feel like myself again. Starting to understand that it's only when I find joy in myself, that I'll be able to seek it in other people, places and things.
I am so different from who I once was, but somethings still haven't changed. I guess I am still Constantly Searching except now I'm looking for new mediums to explore my art through, new ways to pour affections on the ones I love to, better ways to understand and take care of myself and all I hold dear.
This is still Constantly Searching, but different, better. A reprise.
I'll see you soon.
Natalie
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